Dammit All to Hell

It's 3:08 a.m. I was just about to fall asleep and heard a rustling coming from the closet. I looked to my left. My cat was there. I grabbed the flashlight (that I happened to have in bed, because my new bedroom layout didn't allow for my bedside lamp to be plugged in and I've been too lazy to rig it any other way) looked to my right and a giant cockroach was making a mad dash for my bed. Then he flipped over on his back and started flailing his legs wildly in the air. Knowing he was too injured to chase me (hey, it's happened before), I jumped out of bed and looked for the bug spray, only to notice it was between me and the big guy.

I tried to direct the cat from the bed to the floor, tempting her with the flashlight, but she just stared at me, who had also begun to flail wildy. (Seriously, why do these things only happen when I'm naked?)

Realizing the cat was of no fucking use to me in this time of crisis, I ran to the kitchen to get a heavy Pyrex lid to put over the intruder, but realized that would actually require getting close enough to be accurate with the placement of the lid... and that one of my Pyrex lids would be forever tainted. So I went to the living room and found the heaviest book I have, a Spanish textbook from college. I stood in the doorway and threw it on top of him. Thank goodness it was big, because my aim is never good with these things.

Problem is, now I'm sleeping next to a giant fucking cockroach which is "sleeping" under my Spanish textbook. Er, should I say giant fucking la cucaracha? Anyway, I'm glad the textbook finally came in handy (I totally had to google the spelling of "la cucaracha") but I'm so fucking jumpy I'll never be able to sleep. Seriously. It is right next to me. I'm not even asleep and I'm already having nightmares of his mighty cockroach strength overcoming the weight of the textbook.

You Can Get Back on a Horse, A Bike... Just Not Roller Skates

This is what happens when one has four shots of whiskey and decides she can roller skate. Well, really, this is what happens:



So, I probably should not go to the roller disco that's coming up next weekend, huh?

Top 10 Childish Things I Wish I Could Get Away With as an Adult

As George Bernard Shaw so famously said, "Youth is wasted on the young." I wouldn't have believed it when I was a kid, because I wanted nothing more than to be a grown up who could do whatever I wanted. Guess what? Doing whatever I want sometimes sucks, especially when doing whatever I want involves not paying my bills on time or going three years without a visit to the dentist.

Ah, what I wouldn't give now for a strict bed time and some fish sticks -- two of the Top 10 Childish Things I Wish I Could Get Away With as an Adult.

10. Going to summer camp.

Is there anything more exciting for a kid than going away to summer camp for the first time? For most kids, it's the first time they spend extended periods away from their parents and for me, it was when I learned the most about myself as a young person. Luckily, I still go back as a counselor (yes, I'm quite possibly the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world) every summer and run the journalism department at a camp for the fine and technical arts. I have to hold on to my youth somehow, right?

9. Eating fish sticks for dinner, and that being okay.

How can anyone not love fish sticks? They're like fish 'n chips minus the chips and the sexy British accent. Sure, they come from the freezer section, but they're fucking delicious. All that breading would probably make me fat if I consumed as many as I did when I was a kid, though. And you'd probably laugh at me.

8. Going to bed at 8:30.

I can only dream of going to bed at 8:30 when I finally go to bed at 3 a.m. after getting most — but not all — of my work done for the day.

7. Going to the doctor and never seeing a bill.

I used to think the doctor took care of me because he wanted me to get better, not because he wanted a new car. Now I have to truly believe I'm on my death bed or be absolutely certain a bone is broken before I'd even consider getting within 500 feet of a medical professional, lest I want to default on my student loans (which brings me to an honorable mention: free school).

6. Picking my nose.

Sometimes there's just one you have to get. Definitely loses all charm when an adult does it.

5. Being applauded for everything.

When was the last time someone clapped when you pooped in the toilet?

4. Bursting into tears when I don't get what I want.

Not that I haven't cried over unrequited love, lost apartments or plane tickets that doubled in price over night, forcing me to cancel my vacation, but it's not the same when Dad isn't there to comfort me and give me my first lesson in personal finance while explaining that he just doesn't have the money for that Shetland pony I was so, so in love with.

3. Running around the yard naked.

Not only would this require a yard, it would require the self confidence to actually run while naked. There are so many things wrong with that picture I won't even begin to go there.

2. Believing my parents are immortal.

1. Asking random boys to show me their penises.

The "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" line only works until about 11. Then you're expected to do more. But I could have saved myself a lot of disappointment in my teens and early twenties had I been able to check out the goods before committing to any physical contact.

Originally posted at Nerve.com's Scanner blog.

I Feel You, Joyce

Link

Quite Possibly The Greatest Thing I've Ever Heard

powered by ODEO

Reason #2 to Leave New York

I run into people I'd rather not run into far too often.

Reason #1 To Leave New York

Tonight I bought a one-liter bottle of Poland Spring and a four-pack of Charmin and it cost me $6.49. Also, I refer to items by their brand names.

This Made Me Laugh

I recently attended a burlesque class and wrote it up for Nerve. And when googling myself (as I often do, yeah, so what?) I found this. I don't know why I'm so amused by it, but I am.

eefers @ Rififi Tuesday Night

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: A Pre-Valentine's Day Reading of Sorts
Featuring Nerve.com's Scanner Bloggers and Special Guests
Tuesday, February 12, 8 p.m.
Rififi, 332 East 11th Street, NYC
$5

Featuring Bobby Tisdale, Will Doig, Emily Farris, Katie Halper, Bryan Christian, Brian Fairbanks and special guests. We promise chocolates, red hots and maybe you'll laugh so hard you'll pee your pants. Or cry. Or neither and then you can eat chocolate and scowl.

Buy a Vowel for The Prospering Cheaters: We Can't Prosper Without Your Help

Don't forget eefers is playing in the Scrabble for Cheaters tournament January 19 to benefit 826NYC. 826NYC is a nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting students ages 6-18 with their creative and expository writing skills, and to helping teachers inspire their students to write. Based in Brooklyn, it's part of a growing umbrella of youth writing centers across the country, all modeled after Dave Eggers' 826 Valencia writing lab in San Francisco.

Alongside such luminaries as John Oliver ('The Daily Show'), John Hodgman (he plays 'PC' in the Mac/PC commercials) and Peter Dinklage ('The Station Agent'), The Prospering Cheaters be competing in the first annual 'Scrabble For Cheaters' tournament. All proceeds will benefit 826NYC.

The way the tournament works is simple: the more money a team raises, the more it's allowed to cheat. For example, if we raise $25, we'll be able to trade out one of our letters during a game. If we raise $500, we'll be able to invent a word of our choice. The list of cheats is below.

Any support you're able to give our team (The Prospering Cheaters) would be most appreciated. You'll doin' it for us, and a tad more importantly, you'll be doin' it for the kids.

Thanks in advance/happy new year,
Dan & Emily (eefers), The Prospering Cheaters

The Cheats:
1. Trade out a letter $25
2. Wheel of Fortune: buy a vowel $50
3. Flip a letter over and make it blank $100
4. Add 10 to any letter's value $150
5. Add Q, Z, or X to any word, anywhere $200
6. Passport: play a word in any language $250
7. Consult the dictionary for one turn $300
8. Consult the Scrabble word list for one turn $400
9. Reject another team's word $450
10. Invent a word (must have a definition) $500

DONATE TODAY to The Prospering Cheaters, we can't prosper without your help (hey, it's 100% tax-deductible).